Canine Dis-tempo
An alumnus of both Ficlets.com and Ficly.com. Who, for some weird reason, is starting his time here with an abundance of cannibalism-themes stories. O.o
It was a beautiful night. The power was out on our block, so I had a gorgeous view of the Milky Way. Our Husky, Demetria, decided that the middle of the yard would be a wonderful place to howl at the moon. I expected that our neighbour, ever the one to look for an excuse to complain, would be out momentarily. I was not disappointed.
"Would you please shut your friggin' mutt up!" he yelled.
"First, she's not a mutt." I spoke as calmly as I could. Partially because I refused to let him ruin my mood, and partially because I knew it would irritate him. "She's a pure-bred. I have the papers to prove it."
"I don't really..."
"And, second," I interrupted, "she's singing. Practising for a performance."
He gave one of those short, sharp snorts indicating derision. "What's she 'singing'? Bark in Black?" He laughed, thinking himself the peak of comedic timing.
I put on my most annoyed face. "Oh, please, you uncultured swine!" I snapped. "My little princess is singing Arf-e Maria by Johann Sebastian Bark!"
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Comments (5 so far!)
Robert Quick
Not everyone does. Most people (I say as if there are more than a couple of shadows wandering around here lately) come for something very specific and that probably isn't criticism from a stranger--even if it's meant to be constructive. Most of my criticism I think comes from what Stephen King usually reserves for adverbs: that the author is afraid of being misunderstood. I'll come back to that in a second. To start off
I am so-so on the opening sentence. It sets up for the next one pretty good, but I think the next one is stronger and could be altered to stand on it's own. Ok back to what I was talking about. The last sentence of the first line could be dropped since what follows next is exactly what the protagonist feared. The two next parts are in the 6th paragraph. "indicating derision" is repetitious because you make it pretty clear that he is being derisive with spot on writing. I'm not sure specifically what bothers me about "-thinking himself the peak of comedic timing." I think it's the (con't)
- #3766 Posted 6 years ago
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Robert Quick
(con't) indicated change in point of view. Before this we were only with the protagonist. So it's kind of jarring to be inside someone else's head. Of course it could merely be an observation of the protagonist but the wording isn't quite right for that. Lastly, "I put on my most annoyed face." I think has two problems. First, is that at no point here do the two people see each other. So purposely putting on an annoyed face doesn't seem to accomplish anything. Annoyance can show in a voice, but I think you cover that in the snapped response (which is good). The only way it would really work and probably for a longer version, is if the protagonist caught sight of themselves in a mirror or reflected in the window to see their own annoyed face and be dismayed by it. (or something like that). Oh and back to where the protagonist interrupts the neighbour. This might be a cultural thing but I associate ellipses with someone trailing off rather than being interrupted. (con't)
- #3767 Posted 6 years ago
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Robert Quick
(con't) I think a dash is used most often to break a sentence through an outside interruption. Example: "I . . . " versus "I-" If that makes sense? Does any of this makes sense or overstep the odd, uncertain boundaries of the space between writers? With a few words cut here and there, you add punch as well as have added room to build up description, character, or what have you. -RQ
- #3768 Posted 6 years ago
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Robert Quick
Heh. The dog puns are pretty funny. Are you open to feedback?